quiet thoughts
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Kai compares his experiences with Masa as a child and as he is now. And his feelings grow stronger, but only in a constrained silence.


Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Kizuna. I only do this out of love.  
  
quiet thoughts.  
By miyamoto yui  
  
  
I placed my hand on the dirty window and smudged it even further thinking that I could clean out the filth to see the sea better. Instead, it got worse. The swirl of lines amused me because it looked like the sea had stopped to pose for a moment.  
I stopped rubbing on the window and just leaned on it trying to look outside. I was looking out to see if the familiar car would come for me.  
  
If I called or not, I knew they weren't too alarmed. If anyone, he would know where I was at all times.  
I could never be by myself, only when I was with him.  
  
But even when he was in the room, I still felt alone when I looked at him.  
  
I would never get away, no matter what I did.  
And somehow, I liked it that way.  
  
We were just crazy like that.  
We were quiet too about what we were really thinking.  
  
But did these thoughts ever need to become words? Yes, I had wanted to say. I wanted him to tell me why he always looked at me the way he did.  
Why I had to feel so torn inside…  
  
Why was this all wrong?  
  
Because it shouldn't be.  
  
As soon as the black car came into the empty lot, I immediately turned away from the window and leaned against the wall. It was like playing hide-and-seek all over again.  
  
The gate opened and he came into the abandoned warehouse with as much confidence as he had always come to show. With his arms crossed, he glanced up to see me standing at the railing with my elbows touching them and my dirty palms encompassing the outline of my face. "Hi there, Masa!"  
  
I laughed at how well he knew me.  
I also laughed at how well I wouldn't let him know me.  
  
The question that he would always ask after this warm greeting was, "Why are you here?"   
  
Like when I was a kid, I would look down and stick out my tongue and laugh. "Because!" I would answer back.  
  
Then, I ran down the path with the steel metal road clanging before and after my steps. Masa would play along running towards the ladder to get to me.  
  
I tried all the ways that I could go when I was little, and now that I was older, I knew that I couldn't rush under him and slip to get to the ladder once he stood in front of me.  
  
Still as fit as ever, when I ran to the side opposite of him, his steps were coming up closer and closer towards mine. Only for me would he run to play along.  
And then, he wrapped his arms around my waist and my arms keeping me locked.  
  
When I was little, I would laugh and shake my head shouting, "You got me! You got me, Masa!"  
  
Now, we stood there silent hearing the crashing of the waves outside with the breeze blowing in from the sea.  
I bent my head down. "You got me, Masa."  
  
Then, I started to cry.  
  
"Why, Masa…" I sobbed with a heavy heart. "Why did you have to complicate things?"  
  
But it wasn't your fault…  
It was mine as well…  
  
His head turned to one side, but he did not let go of me.  
  
"I came here whenever I was depressed and father would be so mad at me. And it was you who always brought me back home." I shook my head slowly from side to side. "Now, I feel like I want you to catch me."  
  
"Why?" he asked quietly.  
  
"Because you laughed at me. 'Boy lover' I had said like an idiot, didn't I?"  
  
My heart was beating faster and faster. And I didn't know what to do with myself.  
  
Then, in frustration, I let him go. With my hands in fists, like when I had shouted, "Why didn't you come here faster?!" the first time I had come here many years ago.  
  
"I am not a woman…" I stepped away from him. "I'm only a boy. My father is your employer and you only take care of me because he tells you to. This is really easy to understand, you know?"  
  
But why can't I accept it?  
Or is it that I shouldn't…?  
  
"I just want to be near you. Nothing more, nothing less," he told me as he looked at me deeply. "That's what I had said."  
  
"And you want nothing more from me." I laughed. "Of course."  
  
I never knew what he was thinking. The only thing I knew was that he knew how to take care of me.  
He was the one who took care of me since I was little…  
  
…so why should I feel more than I should for him?  
  
It was then that I ran away and climbed down the ladder and out of the warehouse and ran to a railing as I had done previous times before for a second round of tag. Only this time, I was really running away and it wasn't for fun.  
  
As I held onto the cold railing and looked at the sea below me, I thought of the time when Masa had gotten sick because of me.  
And I had insisted on taking care of him because he had done that for me all my life. When I had asked him if he needed anything, he reached for me.  
  
I loved the way he touched me…  
Because I had felt so close to him. Closer than when had held me only a few minutes earlier…  
  
Tap…tap…tap…  
  
He was only a few feet away from me and we stood apart in silence for a couple of minutes. Except, it had seemed like an eternity had passed because of the stillness, if it weren't for the ever-changing, crashing waves below me making so much noise that it paralleled that of how much confusion I felt towards Masa.  
  
He was like my dad…  
He was my brother…  
  
And I wanted him to also love me as his lover.  
  
"I don't know what to say…" I trailed off and took a pebble from the ground and threw it towards the sea before me. "I don't know how I should feel about you, Masa."  
  
I couldn't say it.  
I couldn't say, "Do you love me that way?"  
  
"I know you could have done many things all these years," I sighed. "You didn't have to be here, but you chose to stay here."  
  
"What exactly is troubling you?" he finally asked.  
  
I didn't want to turn around. I sighed as my eyes looked from side to side with my lips unable to say what was really on my mind.  
  
"You protect me because you love me," I finally said.  
  
It was a safe comment indeed.  
  
"Yes," he firmly replied with no hesitation in his voice.  
  
But I knew…  
There was something more, but he couldn't say it.  
  
The silence was getting my way, dammit!  
  
I turned around and really looked at him. "Masa, you have done a lot of things for me. And I can't even do anything for you."  
  
"Yes, you have," he answered.  
  
Masa wasn't one for explanations so he didn't tell me what I had done. All I knew was that I had done something.  
Was this enough of explanation? Yes…because he's always honest with me…  
  
…isn't that right?  
  
Then, I shook my head as I averted myself and looked back at the sea and leaned my arms on the cold, cold railings thinking they were the warmest things I could hold at the moment. "No…what I meant is that you've been with me for a long time. Have I wasted your years, Masa? When you could have been with…"  
  
…with someone you loved.  
My heart ached at that moment.  
  
My fear was that you'd leave me, Masa. Don't you know that-  
  
"No, you haven't," Masa replied gently and with much sincerity. "I couldn't imagine being with anyone else all those years."  
  
I smiled…  
Both in hope and with pity.  
I knew we could never say what we wanted to really say. And we were too scared to advance any further.  
  
He then came next to me and patted my head with a sigh. "I'm sorry about the other night. I don't know what got into me…and then to put you in such confusion…"  
Masa looked at the sea also in shame and confusion though he was as calm as he had always been.  
  
I just glanced at him and leaned my head on his shoulder. "It's not your fault…"  
  
Then, I looked at him and smiled. "I…I wanted to be…"  
  
"Would you have let me have you just not hurt me?" Masa interrupted because he wanted to ease my mind.  
  
I wanted to comfort him…  
  
"No, I wouldn't," I replied with a firm resolve.  
  
I could never let anyone hurt Masa again as they had with his scar.  
But…  
  
I was hurting him some way…  
  
Then, he brought out something from his jacket. "Thought you'd be hungry for these…"  
  
I shook my head and took one out of the bag. Again, I leaned my head on his shoulder and ate the meat bun in my hands.  
  
There's no one else I want to be with…  
  
That's what I had understood when I saw my idol…  
He was meant to be my half-brother's…  
  
I held onto Masa's arm.   
  
  
Masa is mine.  
You are mine…  
  
With a smile, I sweetly put the bun up to his mouth. "Take a bite, Masa."  
  
He looked at me in confusion. Politely, he said, "No, that's all right."  
  
"Please?" I blinked at him knowing he would give in.  
  
Then, he shook his head and smirked at me. Without thanking me, he took my hand and took a bite off the meat bun.  
  
"Masa? You have to wipe that." I said as I finished my food.  
  
He pointed to his face. "Where?"  
  
I kissed him on the lips. "Here."  
  
Masa smirked more as he held my cheek and looked at me. Then, he opened the door for me and I went inside the car.  
  
As we drove away, I looked at Masa as he was driving.  
  
"I love you, Masa," I said with all my heart while smiling.  
  
But he said nothing to me in return.  
  
Only…  
Even if I'm still doubtful…  
  
I didn't mind it anymore.  
  
Someday, I will understand what I'm feeling and will be able to tell him.  
  
With that scar and all the stories I want to hear,  
someday, he will be able to tell me what's on his mind and tell me how to comfort him…  
  
  
Just like this,  
He wouldn't have to tell me anymore…  
  
I would already know.  
  
  
  
Owari.  
--  
Author's note: I don't know why this was going through my head, but I know it's really sappy. Hope you enjoyed this!  
I really like this couple for Kizuna. =^_^= Kai and Masa are so kawaii~! 


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